Whittle
by Hex Arcadia
Summary: Adam Sackler is heartbroken, so he wants to break everything else. The one-shot that inspired Synonym for Soulmate!


**Hey guys! I recently started my second watch through of Girls and I'm pretty much obsessed with Adam's character. I thought he deserved so much more by the end or at least more exploration of his character. If there's enough interest, I might expand this story and make it full length instead of just a one-shot! So, if you like it and you're interested, leave me a comment or let me know. -Hex**

**If you've seen the show, obvious WARNINGS: Sexual content, lots of swearing, possible trigger warning: physical abuse (not a huge part of the story), self-destruction.**

**Without further ado: Whittle- Adam is heartbroken, so he wants to break everything else.**

Adam Sackler liked to think he was good at a lot of things. Great, in fact! He was an excellent actor, by his own right. He had even written and directed his own 47-minute movie, which hadn't won any awards but that's just because of stupid fucking semantics. He figured he was just too advanced, too in touch with his own emotions for other people but that was neither here nor there. His brand of human wasn't for the meek, he knew that.

He could also whittle almost anything out of wood, including a boat that he had every intention of sailing down the Hudson once. Sure, the boat may be long gone now, destroyed in a fit of rage over _fucking Hannah_…but the dream lived on and he would start again. He would. He had the time now, even if he didn't have the right headspace at the moment.

He was also good at fitness, fucking, acting, caring about shit, being himself, and sports. Or at least he would be good at sports if he played them, but people who played most sports were self-absorbed and angry most of the time. Thinking about it now, though, Adam supposed he was angry a lot of the time too so maybe sports could be his thing if he actually gave a shit about them.

Case in point, Adam was good. Really good. At a lot.

Except for love.

Or maybe it was being _in _love that he was really shitty at, because he could definitely love. He loved a lot of things, or he was passionate about things at the very least. Sometimes that kind of overbearing passion and love for life really bit him in the ass, like when he let himself fall in love. That always ended in bullshit heartbreak and another hole in the wall of a destroyed apartment.

Like now, as he fought to catch his breath in the middle of all the broken furniture and piles of books, trash, and glass. Adam heaved forward, swiping his long hair off his sweaty forehead, and ripped off the shirt that had started to cling to his skin. He hadn't done it all in one day, destroyed virtually everything that he owned, but today had been really bad and he had finished what he had started over a week ago when she first left.

He had seen her. She had seen him too, and he had the startling revelation that she was never going to come back by the way she looked at him. Like, _really_ looked at him and there were no tears, no pain left. No love. She had looked at him with resolve, and finality, her teeth clenched and her striking grey eyes set in stone.

His beautiful Nina…

It had fucking devastated him.

When Hannah had left him the first time, he thought he had known what shattering pain was. It had driven him mad. Madder he guessed than he already was, but still, he had become a fucking psycho like an idiot. Then he'd been passionate enough about their love to rescue her, and they'd lived blissfully unaware of their incompatibility for over a year. She was his first love, and for a while, he thought she'd be his only love. Then he realized how wrong that was when he was left feeling empty instead of fulfilled.

He'd left then, taking the blame when he moved out but it hadn't been him. Yeah, he'd left her physically, but she'd been gone long before he had made any decisions. See, Hannah was too analytical. She lived inside her own head and was detached about most things. She couldn't see anything further than a 3-foot radius and Adam lived a lot farther away than that. He lived in his body, a primal being that just lived in the moment and Hannah couldn't stop reaching for the future. When she had moved on to Grad school, he had been happy for her, but almost happier for himself. Their love was historic, but sometimes history needs to stay in the past.

He'd dated other girls after Hannah. He'd fucked other girls too. He'd even gone and knocked one of them up, only for her to abort the baby without even telling him first. That had been bad. That had been so fucking bad and he had lost his mind for a while. He'd wanted to drink again. He had come close, so close to breaking that sobriety but he'd remained strong with Jessa's help at their AA meetings.

_Jessa._

Adam scooped up the nearest thing he could find, a poorly taxidermized fox, and whipped it against the wall. Fuck Jessa. Fuck Jessa in all the worst ways imaginable.

He had loved her too once, but he thought maybe it was just a raw, hot-blooded animalistic love more than romantic. Jessa drove him fucking insane; drove him _more _insane than he already was on a normal basis. It had started fine, and there were parts of it that were okay he supposed, good even, but it felt so surreal sometimes. Like floating.

Jessa had pretended to love him and maybe she did sometimes, but she could never love someone more than she loved herself and that had ultimately been their demise. That, and the fact that they couldn't have a real conversation without it ending in screaming matches and tragic, hot make-up sex. Jessa was a torrid affair, an egocentric relationship. She'd been more like him than he was like himself sometimes and that had been both the biggest turn on and Hell on earth. Jessa was like fucking his twin, which was coincidently one of his weird fantasies but had easily turned into a nightmare with the blonde sociopath.

The worst part about Jessa is that she had left him, in the end. After everything, _everything _between them, everything she had done to him and he to her, it was her that had locked him out of the house and dumped all his shit onto the sidewalk without even a heads up. She hadn't even kept him locked out when he had left her to try and make it work with a pregnant Hannah! Which was absurd enough in itself, but he couldn't even focus on that.

Jessa had just decided she didn't want him anymore, spontaneously, which was fine. It was fine. They didn't work, it was okay. He had accepted it a lot quicker than he had accepted that truth with Hannah, but damnit. Jessa hadn't accepted it. When he had finally had enough, jumped off that line she kept him strung up on, she found a way to screw with him one last time just to make sure he would never be happy. She had warned him once, during one of their intense fights that she would never forgive him for his role in her relationship with Hannah being ruined (something he never understood since they were all adults). She promised to ruin his life someday, and she had kept that promise.

She'd done it on purpose. He knew she did. Fucking Jessa always did this shit. She always ruined everything around her when she felt out of control, and she most certainly had no control over him anymore. She hadn't for a while, and that had driven her certifiably mad. So just when he had found peace, beautiful, blissful peace she had found a way to worm back in and fucking ruin everything. She had destroyed his life, and the worst part was, he had let her.

He hated himself. He couldn't even look in a mirror, which was really saying something since he'd done a lot of questionable shit before now. This was worse though than anything else because it didn't need to end. He'd had it all. He failed. He was a failure, a loser.

Adam's whole fucking life had been like this whirlwind of intense feelings and emotions. Up's and down's that made him seem like an uncontrollable force of a man, and maybe he was. He'd always been told he was, at least. He was always the weird one growing up, or the hyper one. Sometimes he was called the crazy one, but he refused to accept that. He wasn't fucking crazy, everyone else was.

Everyone but Nina.

Nina had been everything to Adam. The way he felt about Hannah, Jessa, _everyone _else paled in comparison to the way he felt about Nina. It had been immediate, soul-crushing, intense, and real. So real. The most real thing he had ever felt, ever been allowed to feel. Every minute, every second of the months they had spent together were the greatest moments of his life.

She was too good for him. He knew that from the beginning, from the moment they had locked eyes across the room at that stupid fucking bar that Marnie had dragged everyone to so they could all "catch up". She had been the most breathtaking angel he had ever seen with her dark hair, wavy and cut blunt to fall right around her shoulders and light grey eyes only emphasized by long dark lashes and smokey eyeliner. He didn't stand a fucking chance. From the moment that Adam had laid eyes on Nina, he was hers. No one else mattered.

Nina had been his end game. When he told her that he wanted to live with her, wanted her to move in with him, she hadn't clammed up and pulled away like Hannah had done. She simply smiled and kissed him.

Never mind that it was on their first real date he had told her this.

She'd come home with him that night, and for the first time Adam had tried to be a gentleman. He didn't put any pressure on her and made sure she knew that he respected her. He didn't feel the need to have sex with Nina right away to cope with his own issues, a foreign fucking concept for him, and he didn't want to rush things if it meant losing her.

Looking back, Adam had been scared of showing her who he really was. He'd been conditioned by almost every single person in his life, especially the ones he loved, that he was damaged. He was dark, and he scared people sometimes. That was who he was. That was who he had always been, and he was okay with that. Then, when he wasn't dark, he scared people even more because they expected him to be fucking nuts but he wasn't nuts. He wasn't. He'd done some crazy shit, with some crazy people, but he wasn't a fucking psychopath.

Those things didn't define him.

He didn't want Nina to hold any of that against him. This beautiful creature, that he loved so fast and so intensely. He didn't want to scare her away.

He had leaned into her touch when she responded to him that night, with how grateful she was that they'd met. She brushed a stray piece of his jet black locks away from his face…then she dropped to her knees and started sucking him off in the middle of the living room, and he had ended up fucking her mercilessly, in endless positions and against every surface of his apartment until both of them passed out from exhaustion hours later.

God he fucking loved her.

They were virtually inseparable after that. She was perfect and kind, and thoughtful. When he talked, she listened. She _really _listened, and she offered feedback and positive encouragement. She never tried to one-up him, or make him feel like what he was saying didn't matter. What he thought, the way he saw the world, everything was okay and valid. Nina cared about him, and what he had to say. She was always so attentive to every detail and maintained her sense of charm out in the world. No one ever loved him as she did. No one ever made him feel like he was so deserving of such a raw, human connection.

Nina was put together, and clean. So clean. Sometimes too clean, and he'd make her jog with him before he'd eat her out until she came all over his face, and his sheets or his carpet. Nina was his minx, his muse; a beautiful, articulate, mature, respected freelance photographer during the day, and a nymphomaniac to match his own sexual deviancy at night. She even had a cute little mole on her face near her lip and a few freckles, and he had thought about how their future kids would likely inherit the same trait from both of their parents. A thought that made him smile.

If there was ever anyone put on this earth to love him, and for him to love, it was Nina.

She had learned all of the darkest corners of his mind and she hadn't run, hadn't made him feel bad about who he was or what he thought. Nina had accepted everything, and nurtured him in ways that had fostered growth and maturity in him. He'd done the same for her, and together they had chased their demons and lived in love, and life, and adoration of one another. Adam practically worshipped the ground Nina walked on, and he wanted to love her every day for the rest of his life. He'd even popped into some vintage shops around New York and looked at some rings a few weeks ago…

Then he set everything on fire when he had let Jessa back in, crying and recently relapsed. She'd needed him, needed her "only real friend in the world" to help her find her way out of the black abyss she had slipped back into. He was a helper. He couldn't leave her soaking wet on his doorstep when she'd pounded on it in the middle of the night. People could say what they wanted about Adam, but he wasn't heartless. Lacking self-awareness, sure, sometimes, but not heartless.

He'd let Jessa come in.

Then she'd stripped out of her wet clothes in front of him.

Adam punched the picture frame on the wall, the glass cutting into his knuckles but he didn't care. He welcomed the pain, a hiss escaping from between teeth at the reminder that he was still human after feeling so numb. He watched the trickle of red run across his skin, staining it in crimson, before looking up at what he had hit; a picture of Nina pressing her lips against his cheek, a wide smile painted across his face.

An aching throb seized his heart, and he reached for the picture, shaking the glass away before throwing himself onto the mustard couch. It was the only piece of furniture not in pieces. He hated to cry, but he couldn't help it. He was too in tune with himself, with the pain seeing her had caused him, and the fractured feeling blooming in his chest. Adam cried, his anger shifting to complete and utter helplessness. He would do anything to talk to Nina again. To explain to her that he couldn't live without her and that he'd kiss her feet if she'd just let him try to be a better man. She made him want to be better.

Adam had fucked that up. He had let Jessa fuck that up. He let it all get fucked up when he had somehow wound up buried inside of her that night she had come over. He had never, _never _meant to have sex with Jessa. She'd needed his help, or so she had said, and he had enough decency to do that. He couldn't even remember how they had gone from talking to fucking, couldn't piece together the night in its entirety when he thought about it. He just remembered laying on the floor after, they hadn't made it very far into the apartment, feeling like he needed to vomit.

"I guess you don't love her as much as you say you do," Jessa had smirked, lighting a cigarette and cocking an eyebrow at him.

It clicked, then, what she had done. That she had planned this. That Jessa had made the conscious decision to seduce him, exploiting his weakness for her own sick game. He'd lost it. He didn't think he'd yelled so loud at anyone before that night, his throat-shredding screams with every curse thrown at Jessa. He'd never wanted to hit a woman before, and he never would (if you didn't count that time Hannah had him punch her in the chest during sex), but he had come so fucking close that night.

Adam had debated not even telling Nina what he'd done. There were times in the past he wouldn't have even thought twice about it, but Nina was so different. She was better than that. She deserved the truth, and this wasn't the past anymore. He'd been nothing but honest with her and he wouldn't start to lie now. She had gone home to Massachusetts for a few days to see her Mom, and when she came back, he would be honest. He had to be.

When Nina did finally come home, she had found Adam sitting in the middle of the floor with his arms wrapped around his legs. He had crawled to her on his knees, something he liked when she did, and she had dropped down to his level with fear on her face. She was worried. What was wrong? She brushed her hands over his face, over his hair. She'd kissed him over and over, caring for him and calming him with her nurturing nature. He apologized; over and over he told her he was sorry, and that he loved her more than he could ever love anyone. He begged her not to leave him, and she promised that she would never do that.

Then he'd confessed.

A knock on the door brought Adam back outside of his head. He glared at the wood, willing whoever it was to piss off because he was in no way up for any kind of company.

"Go the fuck away!" He yelled in the general direction, his bloody hand fisting against the taut muscles of his abdomen as he tensed.

"Adam?" He heard on the other side and he immediately squeezed his eyes shut, his head split in two as a pounding headache flared to life. "It's me, Jessa."

"No! No fucking way!" He sat up, clenching Nina's picture and willing the door to explode into a thousand pieces and shred the blonde on the other side.

"Oh, come on, let me in. I just need to see you for moment."

She sounded so causal, uncaring. Her accent was flippant and cold. Maybe it was because he could never trust her, or maybe it was because she was a succubus, but he didn't believe a single word that left her mouth. He hoped the lamp he launched across the room and shattered against the door would make the message clearer.

"Adam, stop being dramatic. I'm coming in!"

He couldn't believe it when she actually pushed the door open and made her way inside. He'd seen Jessa do dumb shit, he'd been part of her dumb shit for a while now, but this bold move certainly topped the list.

"I said NO!" Adam flung himself up, his body shivering at the site of the blonde in front of him.

"Calm down-"

"No, there is no calm! There is no fucking calm, Jessa! Get the fuck out! Get ooout!"

Adam thought his teeth might break from the clench in his jaw, something that had always been a dead giveaway when he was overwhelmed. His back molars had paid the price some time ago, and he felt the caps threatening to give. He was practically snarling at her, teeth bared and eyes lined in pink.

"You look like a rabid dog, Adam. You need to breathe."

"Un-fucking-believable," he cried, running a hand through his hair and yanking it until it pulled at the roots.

"Oh shit," Jessa's brow furrowed. "Do you know you're bleeding?"

She made her way toward him, reaching for his injured hand. Adam jumped back, tripping over a pillow on the floor and twisting around to try and catch himself.

"Jesus, be careful. You're going to hurt yourself more," Jessa warned.

"Be care-hurt," Adam started, eyes blazing. "Be fucking careful!? Jessa get the fuck out of my apartment before I hurt both of us!"

"Always one for theatrics," she told him, defiantly crossing the room to sit on the couch he had just been wallowing on. She peered up at him, eyes wide and waiting for something he wasn't sure of.

He couldn't do this. He couldn't look at her, she couldn't be in front of him acting like everything was fine because it wasn't fine. Nothing was fine. Adam's whole body was shaking as he tried to keep control. He'd come so far, just to let Jessa fuck everything up again. He needed to try a new tactic because his yelling wasn't going to help. She was too used to it, and he didn't want to be this person anymore.

Adam took a deep breath, and another, before "please…please just fucking leave. I don't even know why you're here."

Jessa shrugged one of her slim shoulders, "I figured you could use a friend-"

"A friend!" Adam spun around on the spot, his sense of calm disappearing on a dime and a deep growl sounding low in his throat. "You don't even know what a _friend _is. You're fucking awful."

"Oh, and you're so much better at being a friend than I am?" Jessa pressed, standing back up to face him as his jaw started grinding again. "Come on, Adam, stop being self-righteous. We're _friends_, and I wanted to check up on you after everything."

"We are not friends," he snapped.

"Stop," she demanded. "We _are_ friends. Do you see anyone else here making sure you're still alive and not dying in a gutter somewhere? Everyone knows, Adam. Everyone knows that she left, and yet I'm the only one that came."

"Do they know why?" He challenged, "do they fucking know why? Do they know what you did?"

"What _I _did?" Her voice had finally risen an octave, "don't you mean what _we _did?"

"No, no! I do not mean we; I mean you. You-you did this on purpose-"

"I cannot," Jessa squeezed her eyes shut, rubbing her temples in what Adam suspected was dramatic effect. "You are absolute trash at accepting responsibility for your own actions and that is why-"

"-don't-"

"-and, I repeat, that is why-"

"-don't fucking say it-"

"-that's why Hannah left you. It's why I left you, and it's surely why Nina left you too."

Jessa actually flinched when Adam opened his mouth and screamed, guttural and wounded, the veins in his neck prominent as a bit of spittle flew from his mouth. He charged at her then, catching her waist with his shoulder and flinging her onto the couch. She punched at his chest, pushing him away and yelling vulgarities at him. He took both of her wrists in one of his large hands and pinned them into place, his face inches from hers.

"You're an evil fucking cunt, Jessa! Fuck you! Fuck everything about you! I hate you!"

"Join the club, Adam! Everyone hates me, but you know what?" She pushed toward him, her face coming dangerously close to his. "I don't fucking care. I will never care, and you know why? Because I know who I am. Do you know who you are?"

She _glared _at him and for just a moment he faltered, his grip loosening enough for her to slip from his grasp and shove hard into his chest. He sat back, straddling her upper thighs as he let his hands fall to his sides. Jessa shimmied out from underneath him, settling in front of him as he swallowed hard enough to bob his throat as she continued.

"You know she's too good for you, Adam. You know she is. You told me she is. You weren't yourself with her, and it was only a matter of time before you both realized that. She would've left you eventually. I did you a favor."

Adam couldn't help the trickle of tears that slid from his honey brown eyes, glistening against the yellow lights of the living room. He chewed at his bottom lip to stop it from quivering. It was true. It had to be if this feeling of absolute emptiness had to mean something, and it did need to. If it meant nothing, then everything had meant nothing. And she wasn't nothing. Nina could never be nothing. But he could be. Adam could be nothing.

He was nothing.

Adam's head began to swim around, Jessa's words sinking into his brain. She sounded so confident in what she was saying like she was so sure. He'd heard similar things his entire life from people pointing out his flaws. His parents had done it, his sister had done it, his first girlfriend had done it, followed by every girlfriend he'd ever had since. Every girlfriend but Nina.

"Adam", his empty stare flit to her face, brown orbs meeting blue. "You know that I'm right. I don't want to be, but I am. We're too alike for me to be wrong."

"Why did you come here?" He sniffed, voice hollow and deep.

He didn't want to give her this power over him, but he couldn't help it and when she reached forward and touched his face he didn't immediately pull away.

Jessa let out a sigh before answering, swiping her thumb under his left eye to catch another stray tear. "Because people like us, people like you and me, we need to stick together. We don't have anyone else, but ourselves and others like us. No one else could ever understand what it's like."

"People like us," he repeated, low and slow.

It felt like he was underwater, the world around him shimmering and slipping in and out of view. Like being in a fishbowl, confused and contained. He didn't comprehend Jessa's head nod until she had run her fingers through his hair and hooked the back of his neck, and even then, he didn't notice her lean forward until her lips pressed against his. It was like living a step behind at the moment, his brain slow and unable to grasp the concept of what was happening. Like a defense mechanism, automatically disassociating to save him from pain.

There was just one problem with that; he still felt the pain this time, and he was _not _like Jessa.

She was manipulating him again, he knew it. She wanted him back, and she was playing games until she made it happen. If he wanted to believe she could be so cruel, and he did believe that, he'd think she had planned this the moment she saw how in love he was with someone else. He wanted to keep hating her, to yell at her some more, but inside he felt empty. He felt pity for Jessa, that she would think she needed to act the way she acted or do the things she did to get her way. There were a lot of really good qualities in her if she could just sort her own shit out. He wouldn't let her pull him back down. He knew who he was now, and he may have slipped a little, but he had surely not fallen.

He pulled away from her, eliciting a small protest and furrowed golden brows.

"You need to leave," he told her simply, reaching to remove her hand from where it had fisted the hair at the nape of his neck.

"What?" She was confused, watching him as he stood and made his way through the maze of discarded and broken pieces to the entrance of his apartment.

"I asked you to leave," he stated plainly, opening the door and setting his stance.

"Adam, what the fuck-"

"I'm nothing like you Jessa, not anymore. We are not friends, because sure I don't have any, but I'm going to change that." He watched as Jessa's eyes began to shine, but he pushed on. He had to break the cycle. Hannah had broken the cycle between them once, and she was inspiring him all this time later to do the same. "You're right, Nina is gone. She's too good for me, fine. But I'm going to try every single day to be a better man so that maybe I can show her someday who I've become. If it never works, then-then it never fucking works but the one thing I know for sure is you won't be around, for any of it. Now, for the last time, please get the fuck out."

Jessa swallowed, quickly swiping at her face and keeping the tears held back. She'd never liked to be one to appear weak, and he had never pushed her to be vulnerable. Not where it counted at least. She rolled her shoulders back, her chin raising as she crossed over to him.

"So, this is goodbye, then? This is it?"

Adam heard the hitch in her voice, the shake that shattered the word "goodbye". He would be lying if he said this wasn't one of the hardest things he had done, having genuinely cared about Jessa once, but if he let her back in then it all started over. All he could manage was a nod of his head, worried that if he opened his mouth again his own words might betray him.

"Fine," she backed through the door, "but you're going to regret this when you're all alone. You-you can't _be _alone, Adam. You never could be."

He stood his ground, nostrils flaring as he let out a stream of hot breath. He knew what she was doing, and he wasn't going to fall for it again. Jessa was defensive and acting as if she didn't care but he knew better. She was being typical Jessa, and he couldn't be typical Adam. He remembered hearing once that insanity was doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. He could be insane, he knew that. He was a tad crazy, but not here and not now.

He shut the door then, not even flinching when he heard the thump of a small fist punch the other side. If anything, it had just helped to confirm his decision.

Adam turned around to face the damage and destruction that he had caused, eyes roaming the room as a pit grew in his belly. He had really done a number and for the first time in a week, he could see it clearly. This was his fault, he knew that. He could yell and scream at Jessa until he was blue in the face, but he had made the choices that had led him to this very moment.

Part of Adam wanted to call Hannah, and tell her about what he had just done and thank her while simultaneously apologizing again and again. He felt like he finally understood what he himself had put her through, but it probably wouldn't be the best idea considering the late hour. The last thing he wanted to do was wake up baby Grover if he was sleeping. He knew how much sleep was valued after spending time with Sample.

Then he thought about calling Nina, but he knew she wouldn't answer. She had probably blocked his phone number by now, and if she didn't, then she most certainly would remember to if he called now. He blinked, feeling strangely resolved after everything. He thought maybe he was just emotionally exhausted since the last 25 minutes of his life had taken him on more up's and downs than a rollercoaster.

Adam was tired of all the shit. He was almost 30 years old now, an adult with a blossoming acting career. He couldn't keep living in this self-delusional world where he was still 24 and fucking random women at the bar, or playing games and being generally self-destructive. He didn't think he deserved to be happy then, but he thought maybe now he did. Or at the very least he thought he could be deserving if he polished himself up a bit more.

So today he wouldn't call Nina, or Hannah, or any of his other ex-girlfriends. He wouldn't go to the bar, he wouldn't have sex with a stranger, or pick up a drink. He wouldn't continue destroying everything in his life, not himself or his apartment and possessions. He couldn't say for sure what tomorrow would bring since he typically varied from day to day, but he had control. At least for now.

So instead, Adam took a deep breath and began cleaning.

At least now he had a lot of broken pieces of wood to whittle.


End file.
